Top Gear: Detroit Special
by ItsMeAdman
Summary: Tonight, I buy a rubber duck, James buys a wall clock, and Richard buys a CD.  The boys are in America again, on their way to the Motor City, the place that started it all. See what sort of antics they get into this time.


So it's only been several months since i wrote the last chapter of my last fanfiction. That story has more or less gone on hiatus because I can't be bothered. Besides, I have a new obsession, it was Homestuck, but that has subsided, and has been replaced by Top Gear. Something about this pokey little motoring show that i've fallen in love with.

I tried to write this as closely to an actual episode I could, so it's mostly in script format

DISCLAIMER: I, sadly, do not own Top Gear. I also don't own the BBC or any of the cars or car companies mentioned in this story.

* * *

><p>(Top Gear theme)<p>

"Tonight, I buy a rubber duck, James buys a wall clock, and Richard buys a CD."

Jeremy: (With audience applause in the background) "Thank you, thank you. (Audience stops clapping) Thank you, everyone. Now tonight we have a bit of a different show."

Richard: "That's right. Now I know that we've agreed,

Jeremy: "Several times."

Richard: "Yes, we've agreed several times not to go back to America."

The studio fades to black and suddenly the camera is filled with light. The light dies down to reveal the mansions in Newport, Rhode Island.

Richard: _"But we've changed our minds, much to Jeremy's dismay, and we've come back. The producers have given us each 4,000 US dollars, told us each to use that money to buy a 90s car made by the big three in American motors, that is to say we each had to buy a car made by either Ford, Dodge or Chevrolet."_

Richard: (From the inside of his car) "And this is what I've got. It's a 1995 Ford Taurus. I've purchased it for 3,000 dollars and it's done a mere 97,000 miles. (Now standing outside his car) Now Ford is well known for the Taurus, as a matter of fact, when it was first introduced in 1986, it was a revolutionary change to the design of automobiles. Now what I've got is actually the second generation Taurus, but it's still very similar in design to the original."

Jeremy: _"While Hammond rambled on about his car, I had arrived."_

Richard noticed Jeremy pulling it, and had to stifle a giggle, which made him burst into fits of laughter.

Jeremy: "D'you like my car?"

Richard: "Mate, it's, what have you, it's awful."

Jeremy: "It's a 1998 Dodge Neon, it's a perfectly respectful little saloon."

Richard: (Still chuckling a little) "How much did it cost you for your 'respectful saloon'?"

Jeremy: "I spend 2,000 dollars on this car, which only has 120,000 miles on it."

Richard: "You got ripped off, mate."

James: _"While the wonder twins continued to argue, I pulled up."_

Richard: "Jeremy, I take back everything I said about your car, because his is much worse."

James: (Exiting his car) "Well, what do you think?"

Jeremy: "Did you keep the receipt?"

James: "I'll have you know that I got this 1996 Chevrolet Cavalier, with 137,000 miles on it for an affordable 2,000 US dollars."

Richard: "So let me get this straight, you've bought a car, one year newer than mine, for the same price as Jeremy's, with 17,000 more miles than his."

James: "Well it sounds negative when you put it that way Hammond. What have you got then?"

Richard: "It's a 1995 Ford Taurus."

James: "I see you've got the GL model."

Richard: "Yes, that's midrange model, what's yours?"

James: "Well I only managed to find a base model, what about you Jeremy?"

Jeremy: "I've got a base model as well."

Richard: "So I've already got the better car."

Jeremy: "Yes, but you've also paid a whole grand more for yours."

Richard: _"The pointless bickering could have continued all day, but a challenge from the producers had arrived."_

Richard: (Reading from the car) "You have all purchased your American cars, now it's time to go back to the city that started it all, Detroit. You will drive your cars from Rhode Island, through the Northeast and part of the Midwest, and arrive in Detroit. The best car will be decided based on a series of challenges along the way."

Jeremy: _"We had received our challenge, and as we left the mansions, I already noticed a problem with my car."_

Jeremy: "The speedometer has just broken. Now I didn't notice if it worked on the way here, but as I was merging onto the motorway here the needle just went flat. Not a critical issue, it's happened before, but it is broken."

Richard: _"I was managing to enjoy my car."_

Richard: "Or my boat, which is what Jeremy has taken to calling it. I think he's just jealous that I've got a car that is both well-made and spacious and he's cramped in a rebadged Chrysler."

James: _"I too was enjoying my car, despite the minor faults."_

James: "The engine is a bit more rattly than I expected it to be. It almost sounds like a diesel."

Jeremy: (Using his radio) "James, don't you think Hammond looks a bit silly in that boat of his?"

James: "It's almost like when a little kid tries on his father's shoes."

Jeremy: (fake child voice) "When I grow up, I want to drive a mediocre American saloon car."

Richard: _"What the two oafs forgot was that I could hear every word they say."_

Richard: "And I don't care. I like my Taurus, it hasn't given me a single thing hate about (Interrupted by a clunk) Oh dear. (picks up radio) Guys, my car has stalled."

The Taurus manages to sputter into the breakdown lane, before turning off completely. Jeremy and James nonchalantly pull over and walk over to their friend's broken down car.

James: "Well Hammond, it appears all that gloating has come back to bite you."

Jeremy: "And as it turns out, the '95 Taurus was infamous for random stalling."

Richard: "I don't need you to point out what's wrong with my car, why don't you just bugger off."

Jeremy: _"We decided that it would be best to leave Hammond to his business while we continued on." _

The camera fades black again, and then fades in; two hours have passed now, the view of James and Jeremy standing in a hotel is in its place.

Jeremy: "How long do you think it takes for Hammond to catch up?"

James: "It looks like he's managed to fix his car and catch up."

A soaking wet Hammond walks into the hotel. Unbeknownst to the other two, it had started pouring just 10 minutes after they arrived at the hotel. Richard shakes his head, rainwater flying onto his cohosts.

James: "Look at him shaking the rain off his head like a dog."

Jeremy: "Hamster, more like a drowned rat."

Richard: (mocking tone) "Haha, you're both hilarious (drops tone) How long have you been here."

Jeremy: "About half an hour or so. Did you get your car fixed?"

Richard: "No, I hiked here."

James: "You like hiking though."

The next morning, James, Jeremy and a now dry Richard had finished breakfast in the hotel and were preparing to leave, when they received yet another challenge.

James: "Welcome to the great state of Connecticut, home to one of the U.S. navy's biggest submarine bases, as well as the biggest casino in North America. Down the street from the hotel is a shopping centre, your task is to get there, get as many items on the list provided, and get back to your car within two hours. You will then be timed as you attempt to put all of your items into your cars, without using the front passenger seat."

Richard: "Suddenly my car isn't looking so foolish, now is it?"

Jeremy: "Yes, it is, but it also looks a bit more sensible."

Jeremy: _"I wasn't going to admit it to Hammond, but I wished that I had his car right now."_

Two hours later, the trio had managed to get every item on their identical lists, and met back at their cars.

Jeremy: "Since Richard has the biggest car, I think he should go first."

James: "I agree."

Richard sighed and walked over to his car and waited for the signal to start.

James: "Ready… and, begin."

Popping the trunk, he began by putting the flat things in, followed by the larger things that weren't flat. He filled the trunk and moved to the back seat, placing the delicate things on the floor so they wouldn't fall over, and the lighter things on the back seats. He finished and James stopped the timer.

James: "You did it in one minute… and nine seconds."

Richard: "Alright James, you're up."

James walked over to his car and Richard signaled him to start. He placed things in neatly and slowly, being careful with each object. Eventually he ran out of room, and the timer stopped.

Richard: "James, your time is one minute and 35 seconds, however, you left out 6 objects, so that's minus 5 seconds for each object, leaving you with a final time of 2 minutes dead."

Jeremy: "Finally, it was my turn."

Jeremy took a less strategic approach. As soon as the time started, he carelessly began tossing objects into his car. Even his plan failed, and he too ran out of room.

Richard: "Alright Jeremy, your time is one minute and five seconds."

Jeremy: "Yes! I've won, in your face Ham…"

Richard: "However, you left out three objects, which means your final time is one minute 20 seconds."

Jeremy: "I still managed to beat…"

Richard: "Let me finish, it says here that for each object broken you lose 5 points, and you've broken 9 objects, leaving you with a final time of two minutes and 5 seconds."

Jeremy: "I've come in last?"

James: "It appears so, mate."

The three get into their cars, ready to start back on the journey to Michigan, but there was some bad news.

Jeremy: "(speaking into the radio) Guys, my car won't start."

Richard: "What do you mean 'it won't start'?"

Jeremy: "That's just it, it won't start."

Jeremy: _"After further inspection, and a bit of searching the interwebs, we learned why."_

Jeremy: "So it turns out that the vehicle speed sensor has failed, which, as a result, is preventing the car from starting."

Richard: _"To return the favour from earlier, I decided to leave Jeremy with his now broken car. Unfortunately for me, I was stuck with Captain Motormouth."_

To drown out James' incessant bantering, Hammond turns up his stereo, which is something he isn't used to having.

Richard: "Really makes you realize how much we take these things for granted. The best part is it even has a CD player, and I brought some of my own CDs too."

James: "And of course I realize Hammond isn't listening to a word I say, but that is okay, because I have you, the viewers, to keep me company. Let me walk you through the features of my car. It has a stock radio, which is rubbish, a heater and air con, which are broken, manual windows, which stick when you try to open them, seats that are only mildly comfortable, and windscreen wipers which feel like they're about to snap every time you use them. On the upside, steering is decent, braking is fine, because the engine is not very powerful, and I managed to not come in last, so the space in here isn't terrible."

Richard: _"By the time James stopped talking; Jeremy has finally caught up with us."_

Richard: "I see you managed to fix your car, mate."

Jeremy: "I had to have a tow truck pick up my car, bring it to a garage, get a junkyard to bring the right parts, pay for those parts, and pay for the labour to fix it. On top of that, the radio is garbage, the seats are garbage, the manual window levers are garbage, the gear changes are horrible, the acceleration is poor, the seats are cheap, and the air con is pathetic."

Richard: "Am I the only one who likes the car I bought?"

Jeremy: "There must be something wrong with the boat."

Richard: "Well, aside from the time it stalled, I can't complain. Some bloke put a custom radio into it, the automatic gearbox is tolerable, the heater works, it has power windows, the seats are comfortable, the dash wraps around you like it's giving you a big hug. I mean it does feel a bit awkward to park because of its side, but it isn't a Mini."

James: "You sound enamored with it, does this mean Oliver is getting a playmate?"

Richard: "I mean I do like it, but it just doesn't have that charm that some cars have."

Jeremy: "It's more charming than mine, this Neon is rubbish and I hate it."

James: "My little Chevrolet isn't all it's cracked up to be either, mate."

Richard: _"It seems that May's little Chevy didn't appreciate his comments, because it decided it was time to break down." _

The three pulled over to the side of the road, a cloud of smoke surrounding James' car. Upon further inspection they figured out the issue.

James: "It turns out that the head gasket has blown, causing the car to overheat. It is going to be a pain to fix."

Jeremy: "Richard and I would love to give you a hand, mate, but "

James: "Just go."

Richard: _"It was James' turn to get left behind, but we quickly found ourselves pulled over again._"

Richard: "Luckily, it was just the battery that died. Being that this is a used car, and an old one at the, there's no real way of knowing if the battery was good when I bought it. Luckily, Jeremy was able to jump start it and we've managed to get back on the road."

Camera fades out again, the glows of the Taurus and Neons' headlights remain for a second before fading away as well.

Jeremy: _"The next morning, we were awoken with a phone call._

Jeremy is on the phone for about 20 minutes. Richard waits for him to hang up before he asks the obvious question.

Richard: "Where's James?"

Jeremy: "He's still in on the border of New York in Pennsylvania. He brought his car to a mechanic, where he was told that the head gasket was damaged a while ago, the whole engine of the car is ruined, and it'll cost more to replace it than the car is worth."

Richard: "So that's it then, he isn't going to be joining us?"

Jeremy: "Not exactly."

The two head outside just in time to see a white SUV pull into the parking lot.

James: "Do you like my new wheels?"

Richard: "James, that's not a car, it's an SUV."

James: "It's a 1995 Chevrolet Blazer; I managed to get it for 1,000 dollars. It's absolute rubbish, but it should be able to make it to Detroit. And, it fits the make requirement."

Jeremy: _"Now that James had rejoined us in his ridiculous SUV, we set off one last time, on our way to Michigan."_

Richard: "I am going to miss this Taurus. It might be bigger than Jeremy's Neon, but it didn't die like James' Cavalier, and it does have character to it. It might not be as elegant as the Taurus that Ford makes now, or as revolutionary as the Taurus of 1986, but it's a good car."

Jeremy: "I know I said that this car is absolute rubbish, and it is, an absolute disaster, but it only broke down once, and that wasn't even catastrophic. If it wasn't so awful I'd be sad to see it go, but sadly it is, so I will give it up without hesitation."

James: "I'm not even going to address this Blazer, because it's pure and unadulterated trash. That Cavalier however, it was a decent little car, sure, maybe it didn't have the room Hammond's has, or last as long as Clarkson's, but I liked it. It was simple, and it worked well, sort of."

Jeremy: _"As we reached our destination in the Motor City, we all prepared to part with the American cars we had grown to like, except for James, because his car had put itself out of its misery already."_

The camera pans out; the cityscape fills the screen behind the cars. It fades, and as the image returns of the trio in the studio, the sound of applause fills the speakers.

Jeremy: "Of course, knowing our friend Hammond, he couldn't just abandon his car. Tell them, Richard."

Richard: "I had him brought over from America, there's nothing wrong with that. Tell them what you did."

Jeremy: "I brought mine over too."

James: "Tell them what you did after that."

Jeremy: (muttering) "I crashed it."

Richard: "What was that?"

Jeremy: "I crashed my Dodge Neon."

The audience, James and Richard share a laugh at Jeremy's expense.

James: "Well I had my little Cavalier turned into furniture, since it wasn't worth it to put a new engine in."

Richard: "Yes, so every time we go to visit we sit in an obsolete American saloon car from 14 years ago."

Jeremy: "And on that bombshell, it is time to end. Good night everyone."

The audience cheers and claps as the camera does one last swing around as the ending credits play, then the screen fades to black one last time.

* * *

><p>So that's basically it as far as this story goes. Now that I've gotten a taste of writing these guys I can almost guarantee there will be more Top Gear stories.<p> 


End file.
